Thursday, July 14, 2005
And The Words go on....
For anyone following our ever-developing new family dictionary "The Word According to Doug" or Dougisms as we refer to them, we have the latest entry. Although my husband is the namesake and largest contributor to our collection of misnomers, I have recently become aware that there are at least two other family members with the potential to add to this literary effort. But more about that later.
Fourth of July weekend my son, his fiancee and their adorable one year old daughter joined my husband at our WestByGod retreat. Since I happened to be in Florida at the time, my son filed the following story in his memory bank to be relayed to me, the keeper of the words, as soon as I returned. As is usually the case at this time of year, the weather was hot and humid during the day, and as the sun was retiring for the evening, the mosquitoes came out to play. Being the doting father he is, my son decided to light the Citronella candles placed in various locations on the deck outside so as to keep his daughter free from the biting insects. A short time later, Doug noticed the candles had been lit and being relatively certain he hadn't done the lighting, he asked my son "Hey...did you light the Salmonella candles?". Barely supressing his laughter my son innocently asked "The what?" which naturally caused Doug to repeat "The Salmonella candles...did you light them?". Unable to hold the laughter anymore, he managed to choke out "If you mean the Citronella candles, yes I lit them".
This episode was related to me yesterday afternoon as we sat chatting at the end of the work day and needless to say, both my daughter and I had tears in our eyes from laughing so hard! Wanting to make sure I remembered the Salmonella candles to add to the growing list of Dougisms, I kept repeating it over and over again as I shut down the office computer. Just to be on the safe side and since I had a grocery list prepared so I could stop on the way home, I jotted down Salmonella candles at the bottom of the list and off I went to the store.
This morning it dawned on me what the repercussions could have been had I accidently left this particular grocery list in the cart after checking out. Letting my imagination run wild, I envisioned some unsuspecting shopper picking up this list and idlely reading it before throwing it in the nearest trash bin. Hmmm...sugar, coffee, toilet paper, salmonella candles.......SALMONELLA CANDLES???? Ohmygod, call in the FBI, the SWAT Team, Homeland Defense.......must be a terrorist! Think of the headlines as the store is evacuated and everyone single item in the store is checked for salmonella infection. My poor husband has no idea of the havoc he could have caused.
Luckily his mispronunciations and invented words bring great humor to a select audience and they are all innocent blunders. We wouldn't have him any other way. Stay tuned for more.
For anyone following our ever-developing new family dictionary "The Word According to Doug" or Dougisms as we refer to them, we have the latest entry. Although my husband is the namesake and largest contributor to our collection of misnomers, I have recently become aware that there are at least two other family members with the potential to add to this literary effort. But more about that later.
Fourth of July weekend my son, his fiancee and their adorable one year old daughter joined my husband at our WestByGod retreat. Since I happened to be in Florida at the time, my son filed the following story in his memory bank to be relayed to me, the keeper of the words, as soon as I returned. As is usually the case at this time of year, the weather was hot and humid during the day, and as the sun was retiring for the evening, the mosquitoes came out to play. Being the doting father he is, my son decided to light the Citronella candles placed in various locations on the deck outside so as to keep his daughter free from the biting insects. A short time later, Doug noticed the candles had been lit and being relatively certain he hadn't done the lighting, he asked my son "Hey...did you light the Salmonella candles?". Barely supressing his laughter my son innocently asked "The what?" which naturally caused Doug to repeat "The Salmonella candles...did you light them?". Unable to hold the laughter anymore, he managed to choke out "If you mean the Citronella candles, yes I lit them".
This episode was related to me yesterday afternoon as we sat chatting at the end of the work day and needless to say, both my daughter and I had tears in our eyes from laughing so hard! Wanting to make sure I remembered the Salmonella candles to add to the growing list of Dougisms, I kept repeating it over and over again as I shut down the office computer. Just to be on the safe side and since I had a grocery list prepared so I could stop on the way home, I jotted down Salmonella candles at the bottom of the list and off I went to the store.
This morning it dawned on me what the repercussions could have been had I accidently left this particular grocery list in the cart after checking out. Letting my imagination run wild, I envisioned some unsuspecting shopper picking up this list and idlely reading it before throwing it in the nearest trash bin. Hmmm...sugar, coffee, toilet paper, salmonella candles.......SALMONELLA CANDLES???? Ohmygod, call in the FBI, the SWAT Team, Homeland Defense.......must be a terrorist! Think of the headlines as the store is evacuated and everyone single item in the store is checked for salmonella infection. My poor husband has no idea of the havoc he could have caused.
Luckily his mispronunciations and invented words bring great humor to a select audience and they are all innocent blunders. We wouldn't have him any other way. Stay tuned for more.
Friday, July 08, 2005
Mars and Venus
My oldest daughter sent me a cute joke this morning about a husband and wife who were having a disagreement regarding who should make the coffee each morning. The wife's position was that since the husband got up earlier, he should make the coffee. His response was that since she was responsible for the cooking, it was her job to make the coffee. Intent on proving a point, the wife informed her husband that it says in the Bible that the husband should make the coffee. As the husband laughingly refuted this claim, the wife opened her Bible, turned a few pages and presented the evidence to her husband. There indeed, at the top of the page was printed "Hebrews"!
Differences between men and women have provided inspiration for jokes for centuries as we struggle to understand our mates. To women, men are simplistic creatures whose needs are readily apparent....Food, Beer, TV, Sex and Cars....not necessarily in that order. How many times have we tried to have a conversation with our husbands only to find ourselves competing with the TV? It's especially annoying when they turn up the volume or look blankly at their spouse and say "Were you talking to me?". No darling, just singing.
Recently I heard of some short summer courses designed especially for men. A symposium titled "Toilet paper...Does it really grow on the holder? " immediately caught my attention. I've often wondered if men are genetically predisposed to not changing the empty toilet paper roll, do single guys pay someone to do it for them? Following this course was a lively discussion about the virtues of putting the toilet seat back down. What wife hasn't stumbled half asleep into the bathroom in the middle of the night only to be rudely shocked into wakefulness when their rump comes in contact with the cold water in the toilet bowl. I'm sure a check of local emergency room records would attest to the various injuries inflicted upon the offending spouse.
Although women find jokes about men humorous, men tend to get a bit defensive. I actually heard one man say " I can remember when you thought I was all that and a bag of chips!" to which the woman responded " Yeah, but then you ate the chips and left the bag on the floor!". All wives struggle to understand the male mentality and there is some concern that attempting to think like our spouses could lead to brain injury manifested by extreme headaches, involuntary twitching and uncontrolable bouts of hysterical laughter. Granted there is no ongoing scientific study on the subject but an informal poll of a group of women at any gathering will easily support this theory. Men on the other hand readily admit that they don't understand women so as to avoid any possibility of brain strain.
Despite our many differences, the joining of men and women in committed relationships has survived the test of time. Besides, jokes about men really are funny!
My oldest daughter sent me a cute joke this morning about a husband and wife who were having a disagreement regarding who should make the coffee each morning. The wife's position was that since the husband got up earlier, he should make the coffee. His response was that since she was responsible for the cooking, it was her job to make the coffee. Intent on proving a point, the wife informed her husband that it says in the Bible that the husband should make the coffee. As the husband laughingly refuted this claim, the wife opened her Bible, turned a few pages and presented the evidence to her husband. There indeed, at the top of the page was printed "Hebrews"!
Differences between men and women have provided inspiration for jokes for centuries as we struggle to understand our mates. To women, men are simplistic creatures whose needs are readily apparent....Food, Beer, TV, Sex and Cars....not necessarily in that order. How many times have we tried to have a conversation with our husbands only to find ourselves competing with the TV? It's especially annoying when they turn up the volume or look blankly at their spouse and say "Were you talking to me?". No darling, just singing.
Recently I heard of some short summer courses designed especially for men. A symposium titled "Toilet paper...Does it really grow on the holder? " immediately caught my attention. I've often wondered if men are genetically predisposed to not changing the empty toilet paper roll, do single guys pay someone to do it for them? Following this course was a lively discussion about the virtues of putting the toilet seat back down. What wife hasn't stumbled half asleep into the bathroom in the middle of the night only to be rudely shocked into wakefulness when their rump comes in contact with the cold water in the toilet bowl. I'm sure a check of local emergency room records would attest to the various injuries inflicted upon the offending spouse.
Although women find jokes about men humorous, men tend to get a bit defensive. I actually heard one man say " I can remember when you thought I was all that and a bag of chips!" to which the woman responded " Yeah, but then you ate the chips and left the bag on the floor!". All wives struggle to understand the male mentality and there is some concern that attempting to think like our spouses could lead to brain injury manifested by extreme headaches, involuntary twitching and uncontrolable bouts of hysterical laughter. Granted there is no ongoing scientific study on the subject but an informal poll of a group of women at any gathering will easily support this theory. Men on the other hand readily admit that they don't understand women so as to avoid any possibility of brain strain.
Despite our many differences, the joining of men and women in committed relationships has survived the test of time. Besides, jokes about men really are funny!
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
"Please Log In"
Computers are a marvelous invention but can at the same time be one of the most frustrating pieces of equipment known to mankind! Having spent the better part of the last hour in a vain attempt to check my email from my house in Florida, this conglomeration of chips and boards is lucky to still be in one piece.
Checking email is usually a simple thing or so one would think. It appears the gods of remotely connecting to an email source are in a bit of a playful mood today. They lead you down the garden path as you log on to your normal email carrier and are greeted by name. My, how easy was that?! It's so nice to be recognized. But don't be fooled! The gremlins are laying in wait just behind the "Check my email" icon, ready to pounce, inflicting mounting frustration as you are asked to log in. You dutifully type in your user name and password, click "log in" and ....... you are back to the Log In screen again. OK, let's try this one more time. User name, password, log in.....aha! success! There's that pesky Email Preview screen. Now where the heck is my inbox? Hmmm....well, let's just open the first email and see where that leads. It's nothing really interesting judging from the title, just an advertisement from Sears but nonetheless, it's a beginning. Click on the Sears email and............not again!!!! That dang log in screen is back!!!
Maybe it's just got a memory problem today so here we go again....user name, password, log in. Fingers tapping as you wait and there's that stupid log in screen again!! Once more...user name, password, log in....using just a tad more force punching the keys hoping to intimidate the system into obedience.....NOOOOO!!! "Please Log In". Finally the frustration level boils over as you yell "I DID THAT DUMMY" into the screen. Needless to say, screaming at your computer doesn't faze it a bit but it does save it from being smashed into the nearest wall.
OK,OK...deep breath as we close that screen and go back to the welcome screen. Type in your email site, gently now. There's that greeting beckoning you into the portals of Hell.....Check Email.....click.....Please Log In...user name, password, log in, click..................."Please Log In".............user name, password, log in, click.................."Please Log In"...........Welcome to the Twilight Zone.........Please Log In....click, click, click...........beeeeeeeeeeep.......
Computers are a marvelous invention but can at the same time be one of the most frustrating pieces of equipment known to mankind! Having spent the better part of the last hour in a vain attempt to check my email from my house in Florida, this conglomeration of chips and boards is lucky to still be in one piece.
Checking email is usually a simple thing or so one would think. It appears the gods of remotely connecting to an email source are in a bit of a playful mood today. They lead you down the garden path as you log on to your normal email carrier and are greeted by name. My, how easy was that?! It's so nice to be recognized. But don't be fooled! The gremlins are laying in wait just behind the "Check my email" icon, ready to pounce, inflicting mounting frustration as you are asked to log in. You dutifully type in your user name and password, click "log in" and ....... you are back to the Log In screen again. OK, let's try this one more time. User name, password, log in.....aha! success! There's that pesky Email Preview screen. Now where the heck is my inbox? Hmmm....well, let's just open the first email and see where that leads. It's nothing really interesting judging from the title, just an advertisement from Sears but nonetheless, it's a beginning. Click on the Sears email and............not again!!!! That dang log in screen is back!!!
Maybe it's just got a memory problem today so here we go again....user name, password, log in. Fingers tapping as you wait and there's that stupid log in screen again!! Once more...user name, password, log in....using just a tad more force punching the keys hoping to intimidate the system into obedience.....NOOOOO!!! "Please Log In". Finally the frustration level boils over as you yell "I DID THAT DUMMY" into the screen. Needless to say, screaming at your computer doesn't faze it a bit but it does save it from being smashed into the nearest wall.
OK,OK...deep breath as we close that screen and go back to the welcome screen. Type in your email site, gently now. There's that greeting beckoning you into the portals of Hell.....Check Email.....click.....Please Log In...user name, password, log in, click..................."Please Log In".............user name, password, log in, click.................."Please Log In"...........Welcome to the Twilight Zone.........Please Log In....click, click, click...........beeeeeeeeeeep.......
